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With times having changed and there being new ruling,

We’ve been told to learn fast and master home-schooling.

We moaned about school runs and pick ups at four

Now we’d sell our left kidney to get them out of the door.

There are of course some, who love the new role

Who’s new daily plan is yet to take toll.

Joe Wicks in the morning and a daily timetable,

Languages, maths and R.E, when they’re able.

Posting on Facebook so we’ve all got the knowledge

That 3 more months of corona and they’ll be looking at college.

But if you think things are bad in the suburbs of China

Try homeschooling an 8-year-old ‘spirited’ minor.

With zoom chats with teachers and new homework each night

Two weeks in I.C sounds quite a delight.

We’re meant to know pronouns, how to analyse prose

Trigonometry, algebra and how topology goes.

The verbs within French and the structure of Latin,

How science constructs and causes a pattern.

But by the end of the day of schooling at home

When we’re sat with a gin, so broken, alone,

The reality stark, the reality brutal

All resistance in vain, quite pointless, quite futile.

Your darlings now with you until we’re told other

A cook, cleaner and teacher as well as a mother.

Forget chilling, relaxing or having a life,

You’re now a Doctor of Science as well as a wife.

But it’s good to remember when life seems so far

And it’s been more than a month since you’ve put on a bra,

When you’ve not a had a shag since before you remember

Don’t think you can make til the month of September,

You have a good friend who’ll be there for you

Make you feel loved, and so valued too.

It comes in a bottle in white and in red,

Damn good in morning or just before bed.

There are no rules to consider when lock down is here,

So long as the glass and the bottle is near.

Sauvignon Blanc will love you forever,

And not ask you questions about climate and weather,

Nor the wives of King Henry, or if A equals 5

Whether more chimps in the jungle are now dead or alive.

For now, a key worker is your new vocation,

Just without the commute or mass adoration.

So next time your children are driving you mad,

Try not to be angry, try not to be sad

You’re screwed now indefinitely – you’re got sod all to lose

By locking the door of the bathroom with a fuck load of booze.



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