How to get Laid.

katyonline dating, sex, shit men say15 Comments

images-17

I believe, from my experience of dating in the last 5 years or so, that it is reasonably common practise for single folk, these days, to sign up to dating sites and search for a beloved on the world wide web. It would seem that your mid 30’s are not the best time to find long lasting happiness with a member of the opposite sex, what with the majority of the population in the ‘relationship having/child bearing’ category being already betrothed or homosexual.


Facebook is filled with white lace and ribboned gazebos and there is nothing quite like seeing the pink cheeks of your ex-boyfriend’s newborn to remind a girl of her guaranteed position on the shelf. 

And that goes for men too. A close friend, as an example,  is considering moving to Australia in an attempt to shake up his dating opportunities and, though some might view this as a little extreme, I would imagine that the chances of pulling a bikini clad Sheila on Bondi beach would be marginally more than those of walking away with the number of a British bird with her face buried in another copy of ‘50 shades of haven’t had sex for 6 months so am reading about it instead’ on the Northern Line. 

It would seems that, at thirty, you are too old to be standing about in bars snogging strangers (ahem) but too young to be joining a bridge club and buying a cat. 

Welcome to the love desert. 

And so to the Internet. 

With this in mind, a good friend of mine joined one of the larger sites recently. She is tired of having meaningless one night stands with random younger men and decided to show herself in a more ‘marrying type’ light on a dating site. With the view that there would be more chance of a lasting romance with a man that has spent 3 and half hours filling out a profile than with one who could spare 20 minutes in the cellar of an All Bar One after he’s cashed up. 
She, like most, invested much time and thought into her profile, considered her pictures wisely and paid up duly with the promise of love and romance. 

She ‘liked’ a gentleman. And received the following. 

“Hey there, so are you looking for a fuck buddy or something more serious? … cause I’m kind of into keeping things casual.’ 

Sigh.

Will men never learn. 

And make no mistake, the site in question is a mainstream one. None of your back street fuckfesting turn outs, where this kind of impulsive suggestion would be welcomed with open legs, no, this was a nice site for nice girls and boys.

Fuck buddy in a first email?? What the hell was he saving for the next one!? .. ‘Do you deep throat or prefer anal? only I love ramming a tight arse, just an idea, thought I’d throw it out there … nice holiday snaps by the way.’ 

My advice to men, would be to leave the words fuck and buddy out of any introductory sentence. Call me old fashioned but exchanging names could be a good starting point. I know, I know, I’m stuck in the dark ages, but just for fun, humour me on this one.  

I can only imagine the man in question is married,  has an exceptionally high sex drive, or hasn’t discovered Fever parties yet. Either way he is fishing in the wrong pond, or needs to polish up his intros. 

Boys, a word in your ear, if you’re on a dating site, at least pretend you’re going to date the girl. (The clue is in the name.) Even if the girl does want a fuck buddy (And, God knows, we could all do with one of them once in a while) a glass of Sauvignon or couple of texts can’t hurt.

Ask her name, say she has pretty eyes and that you passed your PADI in Thailand too (Wow, I can’t believe it! You were in Phi Phi in 2007 aswell! We have SO much in common.) 

And then try and fuck her. 

We’re not asking for a diamond ring and a fortnight in Barbados before we bend over, just a little bit more effort. 

Trust me, exchanging first names? girls love that soppy shit. 
katyHow to get Laid.

15 Comments on “How to get Laid.”

  1. thishouseisfullofnutts

    Ahhh, I have many similar stories. Cock picture from a bloke I haven’t even spoke to yet, let alone met, being one of the best!! Why can’t people learn – there are special site for that, free ones too!!

    1. Katy

      Oh yes, had them before too! yuck, as I say, will they never learn? Clearly not! Mind you i don’t want to give them too many pointers, whatever would I write about in my blog if they got it right all the time!

  2. Anonymous

    Pfft. I tried a dating site. I wasn’t looking for sex, at least not as an immediate goal. After sweeping through the minefield of:

    “I want a man but you must meet the following criteria: ”

    I found one girl that certainly didn’t look overly demanding and high maintenance in Chester (I’m near London). We got on really well via messages with and she seemed quite keen on me except for my height at 5′ 10″ which wasn’t tall enough when she was in heels (her legs looked amazing without heels so I felt a little disappointed to be less of a priority than new shoes. Yes, I know. It’s fair to say that I don’t understand women in the slightest). Anyway I was binned for a tall local. I should mention here that I don’t send cock pictures or fuckbuddy messages- not because I’m sly but because it’s a seriously damn weird thing to be doing. I also avoid women who want to sex-chat-fuck-via-keyboard-on-messenger whilst their other half is watching football.

    Started talking to another girl. We chatted and texted for a couple of weeks, finally meeting in a pub and had a really good laugh, talking to other groups. It’s fair to say I liked her. I gave her a quick kiss goodnight as she jumped into the taxi and I jumped on the motorbike and went home and then sent her a text thanking her for a good evening. She ignored me for days. Apparently because I didn’t spend the evening trying to peel her knickers away I was binned! You can’t win, seriously, no matter which side of the gender fence you’re on (or perched on it with a foot in both fields). Dating sites are full of lads trying to get laid, husbands trying to cheat and women trying to find a six foot two bodybuilding doctor lawyer with a designer shoe shop franchise who will claim they don’t want a fuckbuddy when that’s all that’s on the agenda.

    Single is easier than dating sites. Now, if you’ll excuse me whilst I pop down the local animal rescue centre looking for a low maintenance faithful companion…

    1. Katy

      Wow, great comment and interesting insight, although saying that i never doubted for a moment that women were as barmy as men … perhaps men say too much and women say too little! thanks for the feedback : )

    1. Katy

      Hmmm, debatable, to be honest they aren’t *that* common, but there are definitely some nut jobs/horny F***ers out there! lol

  3. MissGreenEyes

    It’s not just on dating sites, facebook is a pain in the hole too. A few years ago I accepted a request from a guy I used to know years ago, we exchanged the usual pleasantries, he was engaged, I was in a long-term relationship with a child, it was all nicey-nicey. Until the last sentence. “So, any chance of a picture of your pussy?” – BLOCK. Wanker.

  4. E.

    I’d had many propositions for no-strings sex and the occasional threesome online amongst a very small number of messages from guys I was actually interested in dating, hence my challenge to find new ways of meeting guys offline.

    Two challenges in and I can highly recommend volunteering at a festival!

    E.x
    http://www.whereareallthedecentmen.com

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *