Despite not being in a relationship at the moment I do have a number of men whom I’ve had sexual relationships with in the past, who I receive the occasional text from. That is to say, despite not wanting to launch into a full on relationship with them, we still are present in each others lives through whatsapp and various social media channels. Who said romance is dead.
There is one particular gentleman, whom I had a reasonable active ‘relationship’ with a few years back who enjoys sending me regular photos, and with the exciting dawn of modern technology, videos of his penis. Soft, hard, semi naked, partially, covered fully exposed, you name it, I’ve been sent it. Inevitably followed by various innuendos and questions. ‘How much do you love my cock? Want to sit on this bad boy? etc, etc. Romance being dead? Yep, that again.
I received the latest tidbit a few hours ago, at around 8.30 am … on a Monday morning.
Initially I found his offerings arousing (minus the bad boy bit) then a little tiresome and now, just bloody annoying or just down right hilarious.
This seems to be a growing trend with the arrival of social media, the ability to take and upload photos at such ease means that, not only can we learn about current affairs and worldwide news within seconds of it happening, but also, it would seem, that the minute a man has an erection, it’s sent out to half the people in his address book.
Now I’m far from prudish as you well know, why I like nothing more than a bit of porn or stimulating imagery to get the old imagination going but really, cock shots on a Monday morning? Sigh.
Men, some tips.
I can only speak for myself, of course, but the arousal of a woman works slightly differently to a mans. That is to say, a woman needs to be ‘in the mood’ a little more than a man when it comes to getting turned on. It might seem ridiculous to some that, on a Monday morning when organising my week ahead, attending to mounting personal admin and getting my child ready for school, a 40 minute whatsapp exchange regarding an erection and ‘What I want to do to that bad boy’ does not come top of my priorities.
Yes, I get that a man can be the CEO of a global company in the middle of a restructuring meeting with 40 staff when you send him a fanny shot, and he’ll make a beeline for the bog for a quick wank, but women? Not so much.
If you must insist on sending homemade pornography to your lover, please consider the time that you do it. A guideline is that nine times out of ten, 8pm on a Thursday evening will probably provoke a better reaction than 8.30 on a Monday morning.
Furthermore, when sending said imagery, a little build up is often appreciated. Call me old fashioned but a ‘how was your weekend, been thinking of you’ could be an opener. Work on an atmosphere, create a scene. Receiving a cock shot, sandwiched between an email from Benham & Reeves regarding a new maisonette that’s come on the market and a text from a debt company alerting me to a ‘New legislation that can wipe of 70% of my debt today!’ does not bode well for the fire of my loins.
Added to which, and this can be said for all visual sexual interludes. When ‘treating’ a girl to a picture of your penis do not then follow it up with a question of reassurance. ‘Do you love my cock? Is it great?’ Err… well buddy, even if it was, it’s not now, what do you want me to do, get myself off or spend the next half an hour stroking your ego? Epic arousal fail.
And don’t get me started, on the ejaculation video.
Whats wrong with it? Well how about, that a fit as fuck porn star struggles to make ejaculation attractive, you sending me your warts and all (not literally mercifully) close up spunk fest/dribble/messy tummy glue video will make me queasy at best, at worst, consider why I would want man juice anywhere near me ever again.
Cock shots? If they must be sent, make sure they are at an appropriate time and are invited, create an atmosphere of sexual tension then complete an extended mutual exchange with a picture or two.
And, for fuck’s sake, turn the TV off when you’re videoing, if there’s one think likely to make me less aroused than an ex-boyfriends penis at 8.30 on a Monday morning it’s listening to Daybreak discussing the line up for the world cup.
Boys, will you never learn.