If you have read my blog recently you will be aware of a revelation I have had. And for those of you who are new to it, this revelation is that I no longer wish to conduct my dating life online. I have realised that the chances of forming a genuine relationship with a man off a shopping list, who copies and pastes a message to 70 girls a day, is unlikely, for me, at least.
Despite this, I’d have to admit that I have moments of lamenting the absence of the likes of Match.com in my life. Not because I worry about the potential hunks o’ burning love, I could be missing out on, but, for the hours of entertainment it once provided me with.
Recently a friend, who is still online dating, and myself, were discussing certain things that will never change about online dating, aside from the fact there are men on Match.com, who are ‘looking for a relationship’ but have been on the site for over 5 years (with the same profile picture) there are various phrases and profile gems that just don’t change.
If you will …
“My friends say I’m funny.”
Ah that classic line, the gift that keeps on giving. No my friend, you are not funny, if you were funny you would say something funny. Next.
“I’m looking for …”
This golden nugget applies to us all. Without patronising you, dear daters (of which, I hasten to add, I am one.) the idea of a profile is to sell yourself. And as a consumer, I want to know a bit about you. Who you are, what you like, as an example. What I don’t want, in your opening introduction sentence, is a list of non negotiable negatives regarding the person you are looking for, that being me. Do not contact me if …. I’m only interested in meeting someone who … you shouldn’t be x,y and z.
These kind of statements don’t tell me you are a nice person with high standards, they tell me you are an arrogant twat with a closed mind and it is, indeed, no wonder that you are still single. Why, I’d like a multi-millionaire with a huge dick and a weak heart, but, a tip people, there are certain things you should keep to yourself … especially in an opening sentence.
‘If anyone asks, we met in a bar.’
Similarly, do not start your dating profile (on an online dating site, which you are on) telling everyone how you are not really into ‘this sort of thing’ and that you plan to tell your friends and family that you met me anywhere but on an online dating site.
Dude, you’re online, you spent an evening selecting photos you thought you looked hot in, and punching in your credit card details to hand over your cash to a dating site. Newsflash, no little girl grew up dreaming of the day she added herself to a dating shopping list in order to find her prince, you squirming at it having ‘come to this’ ain’t going to catch you many brownie points. You’re online, yes it’s come to this. Deal with it and be gracious about it …. or go to a bar.
‘I enjoy a night out but am equally as happy at home watching a movie with a glass of red wine’
Yawn. Swipe right, delete, block, run. No women should ever date a man who claims to enjoy a ‘nice glass of red on the sofa” Trust me, I fucking love a nice glass of red on the sofa but if this is as creative you can get on an intro, it ain’t going to be my sofa. Or my red wine for that matter.
‘Favorite things include, sun, holidays, sunsets, happy people, positivity and enjoying life’
The dreaded list. A novel take on selling yourself in a brief and humorous way. NO, this is not. This is a prelude to you asking me “so what are you into” or “tell me about yourself” urgg. Just stop it.
Aside from that, I might have lead a sheltered life but, I am yet to met a person who doesn’t like sun and positivity. Jeez, man, throw me a bone.
And that’s really unusual that you like happy people, cause I fucking hate them, God, bloody love a miserable bastard though and why like holidays when you could love commuting to a shitty job in the rain everyday. Note to all list makers, if you’ve got to make them for fucks sake give them a twist.
Sigh. A recent addition to the list. And for those of you that are older than 23, who have no idea what that means, let me enlighten you, ‘you only live once’. Woohoo! high fives!! punches air!! wears baseball cap on backwards!!!
Under no circumstances use the term YOLO. Not in capitals, not in lower case and not in long hand. You think you’re street, hip, living in the present and letting everyone know it. We think you are an absolute twat who is enjoying ‘only living once’ by sitting on Match.com every night trying to sound like he’s spontaneous and adventurous. And doing it when you are past the age of 25 should be made a criminal offence.
Men, a tip. Be cool,* chill out and don’t complicate things. How hard can it be?
*do not say you are cool.