After a considerable amount of time Internet dating, it is my belief that the chances of meeting a compatible partner, least of all a life long soul mate, online are zero to none. Apparently, there is someone for everyone and ‘fate will lead the way’. (Click ‘like’ it you agree or are a total loser with bugger all else to do but post shit on your timeline.) Absolute nonsense. The chances of a person staying married for longer than three years these days is about 34 percent and even if you do the truth is you are simply one of those freaks of nature who can put up and shut up more than most. Happy Thursday everyone.
That as it maybe, Internet dating still appears to be hugely popular and the favoured way of meeting people for future generations. For those of you who have never indulged in any online dating, the principle is as follows; you ‘advertise’ yourself on the Internet with a photo, in theory the best one you can find and a punchy paragraph about your interests, likes and dislikes.
After you have completed this small task you are encouraged to communicate with other members, flirt, wink and add to favourites.
I haven’t downplayed the ease of the situation for the less intelligent readers of the blog, nor am I advertising for any particular site, I simple want to clarify how, really, the most basic of lonely hearts can get involved. With this in mind, and considering that it is these two simple tasks which sell you to any potential ‘soul mate’ would you think it brash of me to imagine that people would invest a bit of time into what was written. Consult a friend, let’s say, over an alcoholic libation one night or ask an acquaintance, more successful with the ladies than themselves, their opinion on said profile? …
“HEY YOU YES YOU! I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE??!
… I like to make people laugh and smile, especially kids. I also like to make surprises and try to make others dreams or wishes, come true in a smallway If I can.”
Now I don’t profess to having the most outstanding profile on the Internet. But really?? Capital letters? Dreams and wishes?? Kids?!
This profile is wrong on so many levels I am tempted to take a page out in the Evening Standard to advertise a 6 week course on how to stay single for the rest of your life and use this as the catchline to snare the punters.
Is he accidentally leaning on the key board or is the fact that he’s practically writing about standing outside your house in a beige raincoat with his penis in his hand not enough to *EMPHASIS* his creepy desperation? His profile title escapes me but if he’s struggling for an idea I might suggest HERE’S JOHNNY as a fitting tribute to his self promotion.
And just when you were weighing up the pro’s and con’s of dating a man who’s going to buy you some fava beans and a bottle of nice Chianti on your first date, he decides to bring kids into the equation. Now, if you have read my blog before, you will understand my dislike of men bringing the subject of animals, nieces or nephews onto any introductory online forums, but to mention kids in general, i.e. those you have never met before but who you take pictures of outside public parks with long lens cameras, is taking things to a whole new level.
Dreams and wishes to small kids?? Wtf? Do you have a clown costume and a couple of puppies in the back of a blacked out van too?
I’m not sure what is more offensive, the fact that he is a category A paedophile on day release or has so little grasp of English grammar. Do they teach you nothing in jail these days.
Mate, a word of advice, this is your five minutes, your entry into the world of love and relationships. Your profile is a snapshot of yourself and should be used to highlights the best bits of your personality. Say you’re funny, say you’re compassionate and sensitive and like nothing more than ‘a bottle of red and a dvd’ but, if you’re online to get a girlfriend who isn’t Maxine Carr, leave the kids out of it and take your elbow off the cap lock.
There is a reason why I think there are worse things to be than single, this is one of them.