Funny Men.

katyboring fuckers, funny men, online dating6 Comments

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Those of you who have read my blog before or follow me on twitter, will know that my taste in men can be slightly obscure at times. Meaning that, I prefer a man to be sexy rather than good looking. I would choose charisma over a toned set of abs and consider a quick wit and devilish sense of humour paramount to a successful relationship. 

With this in mind, I sometimes find myself perusing my dating site de jour on a macabre mission to stun myself at the lack of the above qualities that lay therein. I don’t claim to be the funniest girl on the planet, nor the most eloquent but, pray, somebody enlighten me as to what type of man considers the following to be a catchy first email? - 
Sea or Land
Wine or Spirits
Shark or Dolphin
Indian or Chinese
Sun or Snow
Rugby or Football
Rock or Pop
Now I understand this to be the email alternative for people who struggle to a) construct an adult sentence and b) think of anything mildly interesting to say but besides that, what I found most bizarre about his ‘list’ were the options. 

Forgive me, and maybe I’m missing the point here, but do I ‘prefer’ sea or land? WTF!?? Call me an environmental slut but, hey, I’m going to go for both. You know what, I don’t mind air either. 

Sharks or Dolphins?? Is this guy thirteen and saving up his pocket money to go to Waterworld in Orlando? Cristal or Krug? Barbados or St. Tropez? Virgin upper class or BA first? Ask me that, my friend, and you might get a frigging reply, but you want to know my preferences when it comes to giant fish? Never, in the entire history of internet dating, has the expression ‘not a chance in hell’ ever applied so much. 
The only blessing with this poor fellow is that he is clearly at one with the fact that he has absolutely no personality what so ever and makes no attempt to pretend otherwise. For that I will allow him 1 point. 

In his defence there is perhaps one thing worse than the mind numbing either/or question approach, that being the ‘comedian.’ 
I use the word loosely. 
Type 1 - 
‘Laid back lad looking for good banter and a good laugh!
Relaxed, amusing, quick witted, banter/comedy kind of guy, always smiling, always trying to make other smile, trying to enjoy life each day at a time!’ 
Type 2 -
‘I am fat, lazy, boring and thick, and when I’m not gorging myself on butter or watching Trisha, I like nothing more than to sit and stroke my collection of pet tarantulas while listening to Celine Dion’
A tip to all men, and women for that matter. Online. In life. Under no circumstances say you are funny unless you are. Declaring yourself to be ‘a good laugh’ ‘amusing’ and ‘quick witted’ will simply serve to lead people to expect you to be a good laugh, amusing and quick witted. The very nature of you declaring yourself such will mean undoubtedly that you are not. 
Being funny is funnier than saying you are funny. 
And being ‘ironic’ about tarantulas and Celine Dion will at best, lead people to conclude you are a bit of a clown, at worst, an absolute fucking twat. Funny eh?
After being inundated with such profound hilarity and declarations of wit you’ll not be surprised to hear the fourth and final email I received today acted as rather a tonic. 

I keep my opinions straight to the point and I don’t say much unless I have something meaningful to add. My life revolves around working and then coming home so I don’t spend a lot of time in the social scene. I am looking for a serious relationship – possibly leading to marriage. I am looking to start my own business sometime in the future so someone with similar interests might be a good fit.
No list, no humour, no glimmer of banter or sparkle. The dating equivalent of a Korean prisoner of war camp. As funny as a life savings account in a Greek bank and as heartwarming as a bus strike on the first day of the Olympics. 
No more decent men left? Why girls, we’re simply spoilt for choice … 

katyFunny Men.

6 Comments on “Funny Men.”

  1. Sarah

    Oh darling girl! Fuck do I hate this online dating shit. Spurred on by you (no really) I joined a site a month ago and have since had to sift through 1 million “oh I never know what to put here” emails, a dozen “you’re hot, wanna fuck” messages and several more along the lines of those you describe above. And I responded to none. Nada, zilch, neito and every permeatation thereof because they all reeked of SADDO. And I know it’s crass when I’m on a dating site but I keep thinking that all the men on there who are vaguely good looking must have a massive personality defect because they’re on there. I just want to scream at them all “go out, go to a bar, make some friends, pull a girl, date”.

    And then we come to the oh so hilaire ones…..including the guy that decided to write to me only using Southern US drawl (or what he perceived to be that) which basically came out as “gumbo bubba gumbo” for all I cared.

    God it’s boring. Witty without being obvious, clever without being a nerd, dominant without being ‘kneel bitch’ – where the hell are they all? Seriously – if you find ‘em – send them my way please (or at the very least we can share ;-))

    1. Katy

      Welcome to my world darling, I apologise profusely for ever suggesting you should cross over to the dark side ( i must have been drunk!?) at least now you can understand why i regularly finding myself wanting to shoot myself in the head.
      ps. It doesn’t get better.

    2. Sarah

      As a PS to my post, and one which sums up why I hate internet dating, I met a chap on Wednesday evening. I didn’t really want to meet him, I didn’t get any kind of connection from his messages and indeed I tried to cancel several times. But…I was free that evening so I went along on the proviso it didn’t last more than an hour and I had a party to go to.

      Squashed frogs have more charisma than this chap. It was a very long hour……but we were polite to each other and 24 hours later I messaged him to thank him for his time but that ‘I didn’t think we were a very good match’ His response? ‘Lol. You are so not my type’ I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT BEFORE WE WENT THROUGH THE RIGMAROLE. And also – how rude?

  2. clair prew

    One of my favourite games that I play every Sunday with the boys is translating the lonely hearts column in the observer. It’s hilarious – what people write is so cliche ridden and hackneyed you cannot believe things have not moved on – brilliantly well observed x

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