How to be a Woman.

katyguest post, Simon Hughes, women14 Comments

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In response to my recent post, ‘How to be a Man’ I am delighted to welcome English cricketer, journalist and author, Simon Hughes, ( @cricketanalyst ) with his response on, yes, you’ve guessed it, how to be a woman! 


A tongue firmly in a cheek and not a cricket ball in sight, enjoy … 




- Please, please always have food in your house. Substantial food. Stuffed vine leaves or anything else from Greece doesn’t count and Granola is for hamsters. Good things to have are mini cocktail sausages, cheese, 4-minute Tortellini,  chocolate, eggs or a Beef Welington that you cooked earlier. Anyway, you can play some good games with food.- Don’t allow your pets in your bedroom. Theres’s nothing worse than getting a mouthful of doghair when your head hits the pillow or feel a wet muzzle on the back of your calves when you’re making love. Ideally don’t have any pets at all, unless they can be kept in a tank and/or left unattended for a long time.- Don’t have any lodgers either, even if the money is useful and he’s handy round  the house. There’s nothing worse than being unable to have sex on the kitchen table because of the spectre of Rupert arriving back unexpectedly. - Don’t refuse offers of help from your man with – ‘don’t worry i can do it’ Men like providing solutions or helping in some way. It’s the one thing that makes them feel worthwhile and valuable and not just an annoyance. Otherwise they will just go off and help your best friend, and you know what that means. - Don’t get too drunk. Slightly pissed girls are fun and sexy. Inebriated girls are just plain embarrassing, slurring incomprehensibly, falling over and breaking your friend’s best decanter and are either sick in the taxi or get off with your best mate’s boyfriend. Then again, maybe that was the point.   - Don’t wear big hooped earrings (only for 17 year olds or gypsies) or too much sparkly jewellery in general. It makes you look high maintenance or like a 17 year old gypsy.- Be willing for morning sex (as well as evening.) Men like morning sex because they are aroused more easily and can sustain their performance better than at 2am immediately after 2 bottles of wine, lamb shanks and half a dozen Jaegermeister shots. An old girlfriend used to say morning sex was ‘cheating’ because it wasn’t her that aroused the man but just the time of day. We broke up soon after.- Always have a friend who is fatter than you (well you know that don’t you?) it stops you going on about your weight, worrying if your arse is getting bigger or if you’re developing a muffin top. Women seem to be under the impression their weight/size changes on an hourly basis. It probably does but no one else can tell or really cares. - Wear G-strings. So much sexier than apple catchers. Any other type of pants are BANNED. only wear them if you’re going to be undressing in a cubicle with your grandmother. - If you want to complain about shaving gel stains on your beautiful white designer silk, just think – would you rather have the stains or a very sore chin? And don’t forget, we don’t like kissing stubble either. - Please, please, PLEASE don’t put on your dating profile that all you want to do is curl up by a log fire. Log fires are a pain to build and light (showing up a man’s domestic inadequacy) fill the room with smoke and only reveal that you either won’t or can’t pay for the central heating. Anyway they are illegal. And if you want to do something illegal at least make it something a bit naughty. If you really want log fires marry a canadian lumberjack. Simon is well known as The Analyst on Channel 5’s evening highlights programme, commentates on BBC radio and writes for the Daily Telegraph. Follow him for very little relationship chat (he saves that for us) but lots of cricket banter on twitter @cricketanaylst 

katyHow to be a Woman.

14 Comments on “How to be a Woman.”

  1. HEATHER

    I’m sorry but I agree with Caitlin Moran when it comes to G-Strings: ‘How can 52 percent of the population expect to win the war on terror if they can’t even sit down without wincing?’

    Also the stubble thing? Don’t you worry, I have a nice cushion of lady hair for your face to rest on. When I have to add ‘vaginal up keep’ onto my outgoings list, I’ll know the feminist movement has failed.

    ladybitsandbobs.blogspot.co.uk

    1. Katy

      On this occasion i’m inclined to agree, aside from anything else G-strings just aren’t flattering, but hey, what do i know, I’m not a *man*!

  2. Max from Cambridge

    Well “Yosser’s” post was enlightening and it was a change not to have so much swearing but who on earth ever “makes love” these days?? This is Katyred’s blog for God’s sake! You must use phrases like screwing, fucking and my personal favourite rogering.
    Oh and G-strings are the underwear equivalent of the girl you want to roger and not take home to meet your Mum. Great for catching a glimpse of like a whale tail but only supermdoels arses look good with dental floss between their cracks, 99% of the rest of women arses look like sacks of water dangling over a washing line!

  3. Older Single Mum

    Have just a nice long catch up on your blog Katie. Brilliant as always. I read Simon Hughes book a while ago. Am bringing my boys up to be Professional Cricketers. They’re 3 and 7 atm! Great post – refreshing and oh so important. Love it ;))

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